THIS WEEK'S QUESTION:

A success story with a question and lessons learned the hard way.

Question: perhaps you have addressed this before, but why do women choose unstable "losers" over stable, "good guys" like me? One may noticed this and labeled it the "SPCA" syndrome: "Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals." In other words, the woman goes for the "stray," not the "well-bread."

I think it goes to the issue of challenge, which has two aspects. One is "benign": the man has to be a challenge in the sense that he is not too available. Another, which is negative, is the man is so "damaged" that he presents a challenge in another, less benign way: the woman wants to "fix" him. I heard Dr. Laura the other day, although I usually cannot stand her. Some dimwit woman called in and said she had been dating guy A, who was nice, and was now dating A's friend, B, and she did not know what to do. A was a good guy and stable, B was a lowlife but was "exciting." Dr. "Queen of Life" jumped all over her, asking this genius how she would answer the same question if her own daughter asked her that question. It was clear by the idiot's "OK" after being given this advice that she did not get the answer she wanted and will probably stick with B.

Success story: Confidence.

1. Parents and religion. About 10 years ago, I was dating a surgeon who was Jewish. I am not Jewish, so that made a big difference and was ultimately one of two factors leading to our demise (the other was that I could not trust her). She told me her parents did not approve of me since I was non-Jewish. I just told her to her face, "I don't care what your parents think. I'm not here to please them." I think this took her by surprise and increased her respect for me.

You my want to do columns on these if you have not done so already: dealing with parents; dealing with different religions.

2. Signs that you are confident. Every dating advisor stresses male confidence. Watch the woman's actions and listen to her words to detect if your confidence is "showing" or "hitting." The surgeon gave me two of the greatest compliments I ever received, which confirmed that I was "doing things right." Both were out of the blue. One: "I can't figure you out." Two: "I never know what you are going to do next."

Suggestions:

1. Criteria. Before arranging a blind date, be sure to the extent possible that you ensure the woman meets your "criteria." DO NOT BE SHY ABOUT THIS. For example, a friend of mine (I will call her "A"), working through a friend of hers ("B"), set me up with a blind date I will call "Carol". I drove about 30 minutes to meet the woman. When I saw her, I immediately knew I did not like her looks. The "clincher" occurred as we approached the hostess, who asked us where we wanted to sit. "Carol" immediately said something like, "I have to sit somewhere I can smoke." At that point, the date was effectively over because I am vehemently nonsmoking. It is simply not negotiable with me. So, we sat at a table to the side of the restaurant instead of a waterfront table.

LESSON: neither my friend nor I remembered to check for smoking. And, while I went ahead and had the dinner, I lost about an hour's driving time and the time and money for the meal with nothing in return. The experience was a complete waste except to re- learn the lesson: ensure the woman is a nonsmoker.

Another interesting tactic would, after she said something about smoking, be to say, "I'm sorry. I did not realize you were a smoker. You know, really, since I do not smoke the evening will be a waste of your time and mine, so let's call it quits." And then I should have then simply left. The problem is that this action would have gotten me in trouble with my good friend "A."

2. Eject after her infidelity. After you have been dating a woman and the two of you have been exclusive, at the first sign of her infidelity, PUSH EJECT AND DUMP HERE. Infidelity is an irreparable breach of trust and cannot be repaired. I tried to fix a relationship after such an incident, and she continued to remain in touch with her "secondary lover." Despite advice to dump her and her continuing affection toward me, I held on for a few more months, which were miserable, before finally pushing EJECT and unilaterally dumping her with no warning or discussion. The lesson is: pay attention to what women DO, not to what they SAY.

C. J.




MY COMMENTS:

First of all, thank you for taking the time to think this through and for clearly communicating the points you've made. You've brought up some important ideas, and I'd like to comment on them.

ON THE DR. LAURA STORY AND YOUR QUESTION...

One of the things that Dr. Laura doesn't get in this particular situation goes a little something like this:

THE WOMAN IN THE STORY WASN'T USING LOGIC TO DECIDE WHICH MAN TO FEEL ATTRACTED TO, SO TRYING TO CONVINCE HER WITH LOGIC IS A WASTE OF TIME.

Now, you made some valid points about the woman enjoying the "challenge" of the "stray" and/or of the "unavailable" guy.

This is good stuff, and it's accurate.

But the REAL key to this situation is that ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. Attraction is a POWERFUL EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL response.

And, as you might know, when you're feeling a powerful emotion, it's difficult, or in many cases, almost impossible to override that emotion with LOGIC.

The woman is clearly ATTRACTED to the "lowlife", but she also knows in her MIND that she "should" stay with the "stable nice guy".

EMOTION beats LOGIC any day of the week when it comes to attraction and female behavior.

Being a challenge and being unavailable are things that TRIGGER the emotion, but once it's triggered then there's not much that a woman can do about it.

And as you noticed, not even advice from the "first lady" of relationship logic can change it.

So to answer your question, the reason why women "choose" unstable losers over stable guys like you is...

THEY DON'T CHOOSE AT ALL.

There is no logical "decision" being made. When it comes to ATTRACTION, "choosing" doesn't even come into play.

If you want women to feel that powerful emotion called ATTRACTION for you, then you need to learn how to communicate and behave in the way that TRIGGERS ATTRACTION.

Are you with me on this?



ON YOUR SUCCESS STORY AND CONFIDENCE...

I think that you're on the right track here.

When she came to you to tell you that her parents didn't approve of you, and you responded by saying "I don't care what your parents think, I'm not here to please them" you effectively made yourself MORE powerful in her heart AND mind than even her parents.

I'm taking a wild guess here, but I'll bet that when she came to you to tell you this, she was telling you because she was thinking of breaking off the relationship, and this was her way of "introducing" the idea.

When you responded by saying "I don't care what they think" you probably scrambled her signal a little. She was probably confused, but MORE IMPORTANTLY she was probably EMOTIONALLY ATTRACTED to you at the same time.

This combination of confusion, emotional attraction, and you asserting yourself as more powerful than her parents because you didn't care, is almost unstoppable.

As you say "Every dating advisor stresses male confidence". The more I've thought about this, the more I realize that the FOUNDATION for confidence is LACK OF INSECURITY.

In other words, if you want to be confident, you have to START by getting over the things that you're insecure about. Once you do this, you'll realize that "confidence" isn't really that important at all.

Women are generally attracted to men who don't need APPROVAL from anyone. Call it confidence if you want. But I think it comes down to becoming secure in the world and comfortable in your own skin.

ON YOUR SUGGESTIONS OF CRITERIA AND EJECTING A WOMAN AFTER INFIDELITY...

It's a GREAT idea to be VERY selective and to let women know about it EVEN IF SHE'S YOU'RE "TYPE". Women are generally more attracted to men who are more selective.

Of course, it is important to keep high standards in life, because they usually lead to better results in general.

And in response to your recommendation to dump a woman at the first sign of infidelity...

This is probably a good policy.

But there's something else that you should probably take away from this as well.

If a woman isn't loyal, there's a good chance that either:

1. You did a poor job selecting the type of woman to have a relationship with in the first place...

...and/or...

2. You stopped doing the things that created the ATTRACTION in the relationship, and turned into a WUSSY.

In either case, there's something to learn and improve in the future inside of YOURSELF.

YOU must learn how to KEEP HER INTEREST over the long-haul if you want to "cheat-proof" your relationship.

...and on another note... I really believe that there's more than meets the eye when it comes to success with women and dating.

The process that creates the magic emotion of ATTRACTION is mysterious, seemingly illogical, and "counter intuitive". If you don't understand it, then it just won't make sense.

It's taken me literally YEARS to be able to both attract women AND be able to explain how to do it.

AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU...

It's a brand new year right now.

Can you feel that "new" energy right now?

Did you make a New Year's Resolution?

The beginning of a new year is an opportunity to look back on the past year and think about what went right, what didn't go so right... and what you'd like to do DIFFERENT this time around.

This might be YOUR year for success with women.

If it is, then you're going to need to make a commitment to yourself, and then FOLLOW THROUGH on that commitment.

This part of your life isn't going to "get itself handled". YOU are going to have to do it.

If you'd like to take advantage of the time, effort, energy, and money that I've invested learning how to be successful with women and dating, then I recommend that you check out my Advanced Dating Techniques CD/DVD Program.

Instead of going through years of trial and error, you can have the secrets handed to you on a silver platter.

It's packed with hundreds of incredible techniques and concepts for making women feel ATTRACTION, and it contains over 12 full hours of digitally recorded material, plus a 100 page workbook.

You can check it out here... make sure to watch and listen to the free samples:

http://www.DoubleYourDatingAdvice.com

And if you haven't downloaded my online eBook "Double Your Dating" yet, then you need to do that right now. You can download it now and be reading it in just a few minutes... It's here:

http://www.DoubleYourDating.com

Go check them out.

And make this year about getting this part of your life handled. It's worth it.

And I'll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,

David D.

Free Dating Tips Newsletter And Download eBook
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David DeAngelo is the author of "Double Your Dating - What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women", and has taught thousands of men how to be more successful with women and dating.
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Copyright 2004 David DeAngelo Communications Inc., All Rights Reserved. "David DeAngelo" and "Double Your Dating" are trademarks used by David DeAngelo Communications Inc.

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